Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Life turning upside down

Hi all. It's been awhile now. Anyway, there's a lot of things going on in my mind. First was Jen and now carreer and my boyfriend.He is suffering with financial as you guys already know that. What's new? But anyhow, I'm sad that he told me he might be changing courses and don't wanna work in the same place with me.

First of all, I know that working in the same place is bad and all but then I don't really care since I can get to be with him, travel with him, eat with him and all that together. Right now, if he were to change, I'm gonna be all alone and plus, he might not be able to stay in my house often already. It' just so happens that I don't like that idea. I want to be with him since he's my other part in my life.

If only this company could at least raise our salary, he wouldn't mind staying, but because it's so cheap, and not much he just need to move on to another stage but the thing is, it's not animation anymore. Sometimes I wonder, should I even change to another field? Although I did that before but after that, I missed it again and want to come back to it. Right now, I have no idea what's his plan but I know sooner or later, which won't be long now, he is gonna stop and I'm gonna be all alone.

As for that girl Jen, well, I haven't been spending much time with her now since she has her new life with her so called guy, but then again, I did told her about my problem and she said she will do her part if Felix isn't there for me. She'll better be. Everytime boyfriend here and there is driving me nuts. Anyway, please pray for me and my boyfriend that things will turn out fine even if he changes job and field. Sigh, feel so depress. Bye guys!

Thursday, May 05, 2011


As I expected she's gonna read the journal and everything is gonna go haywired. Well, I don't know who is the one starts the gossip to her about my journal.It's either her upcoming guy or Jimmy or maybe even herself found out. Everything isn't exactly clear. All I know is that she was furious over the journal that I wrote which I already expected it. Jimmy never liked my attitude in posting up journals. It's not a crime to write things about people when you're angry at that someone. IF NOT why does Journal even been created and existed?

People always wondering how come I always write bad things about people in journal. The answer is simple.I will confront that person face to face and peacefully before I post up whatever happen in my journal just to lessen problems down. But since that person don't even wanna talk to me face to face and keeps on running away from the problem, I have no choice but just to blabber everything out in the journal. It's lifeless. It has no power to even shoot me back like Jon always do. It just sits down there and let me type out whatever it is. It's like God where he just listens to you.

Lastnight I talked to Jen and all about this situation. As usual, her Jon is always the first in her list and that's the moment when I know that she's not gonna change her mind and Jon has just beaten me to it. He has taken her away far far away from me. And that's when I know that I hated myself to not being able to let her go. And as like I want to be apart from her life forever. I don't wanna have anything to do with her anymore. First time in my life I have that thinking. What good is a friend if that friend can't take care of your heart?

I did what I could. All my friends also said that. I did my best it's just that Jen do not wanna take it and just thinking about herself first before anyone else. At the end, I called her up, breakdown through the phone and tell her to go ahead with the relationship whether I approve or not because she herself said I am no one to stop her in the relationship. And I of all people isn't so dumb to not know that but I just need her to know why I dissagree to this relationship but instead she thought that I'm just being problematic. That's just so not fair. Jon can't do the things Felix did for us. I know he won't and I know he will never stop his sacarsm. My friend told me that I'm being too soft to Jon and just letting him do what he wants. And I tink I'm sick of people keeps on stepping on my tail. I'm 25 years old. I'm 2 years older than that fella. So why must I respect him so much? Just because of Jen? Well, Jen never cared about my feelings already so I should just care less at everyone that's with her.

Well, Jimmy, hah, when he was my boyfriend I swear I know that he has feelings towards Jen which they keep on shooting at me saying I'm crazy. The truth always reveals at the end. I know what my intuition says. 98% correct. I don't need to say the truth out now. I kinda could predict what will happen later on.

The reason why I'm revealing out names now is because I know that I'm already hurt, giving face to people that I don't agree to. I at least should not keep anything inside since this is gonna be out to the world and to those usual people who is gonna read this.

My heart is painful, my head is spinning and my eyes are swollen due to yesterday. This is how much all of them had hurt me. Mostly is my dear bestfriend Jen. I do not wanna feel this way. But telling her that I will let her be with this guy made me this way. I know I'm gonna be hurt but I just let it be. I can't do anything now. I've lost in this battle. But my intuition always tells me I'm 98% correct and it will always be on my side. I don't regret anything that I do, for example even writing this journal down now. Nothing. Cause I know, whatever it is, I wanna just express out my feelings. Jon and Jimmy, this type of people will not understand things that I'm going through. Even 3 years coupled up with Jimmy, I don't think he learn anything.

Tonight am gonna see those faces that hurt me again. They say that Jon will make things up with me. By what? Talking? HAHA. If that what he really thinks onto making things with me then forever his so called ``talking " isn't gonna work to other people who really hates him in the future. Talking can't patch things up with people when that person has full hatred towards you. I didn't say that I'm not wrong in this situation but I'm not selfish either. I'm wrong for not letting Jen go and she's wrong for not concerning about my feelings and how I feel towards this matter. As for now I know that whether I have a bestfriend or not, it's always the same because everyone is still human. They act the same. Foolish, mean and think about themself and just backstab each other backs.

I don't want to be the one sacarstic here now but all I wanna tell those 2 is, when I have a problem with my babe, I wanna settle with her. Only her. Don't need anyone to butt in. Bare this in mind. You guys are not always correct. You guys aren't God. So you guys can't judge anything or anyone. You guys have no right to even do that since you guys are nothing to me right? You might have my babe to believed you and everything,but see, I'm not just gonna let that bug me. I'm stronger. Even if I have to live without her. Jimmy, he was wrong about me do not wanna lose her as a friend. I could and I will if this thing worsen or if it affects me. So like I said, Jimmy never really get to know me at all. Doesn't mean that you have coupled with me up to 3 years you know everything. You will be even shocked that you don't know anything. I have to stop here now since there's nothing much more to say to this sad people that will not hear anything or care of what and how I really feel. Only God will know the answer later. Oh yeah, one more thing. Since I'm not needed and they like to poke fun at me, let's just say Jim will be the hero this time to be their angel and give them advice nextime when they have problems in their relationship(not saying that they will) but hey, every single happy plus strong relationship will have an argument. So good luck in that. Goodbye to you guys who never listens to me. Bye!

I'm doing recording later and dedicating let this go from paramore to Jennifer. Will always be that song for you to remember and remind you how painful I am...but again. No need to bother how I felt because you just did your move lastnight. I know you don't care. Thanks for showing your true colours.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

I hate one part of my life and is when I have to let one person go!

There's one part of my life that I hate. And that's when I have to let someone important in my life vanish. I have a problem with a guy. This guy has been hanging out with me, my boyfriend, my bestfriend(soon to be not) and my other friends. He can be very sacrastic at times. Couple of weeks ago I'm starting to dislike him.

And my bestfriend is so into him. I feel like killing,stabbing, strengling my bestfriend for being so dumb. She will not like someone whom I'm not comfortable with. She use to support me in a lot of things now. Now I know that's she's just a selfish,pathetic and think she know it all girl. I don't even know her anymore. Because I DON'T HAVE A BESTFRIEND THAT HAS THAT FUCKED UP ATITTUDE!

I feel like she is a real materialistic girl. She needs a guy whom has money. This second guy that she wants to be with has money too. Not a lot but yeah he has! If anyone of you reading this and think I'm jealous, I can tell you I'm not. It's just not fair that I have acted so fair and loved her eventhough I have so much people to love including her. I mantain. Unlike her. She has not. She don't know how because she's still noob in all this. It has always been her carreer,family then comes boyfriend then bestfriend. I'm different. I put everything equally.

She only cares about herself! I hate her! I feel like slapping her. I can't believe that she really just blasted me with that news. I told her what I don't like. I told her that I'm not supporting her at all with this relationship. I should have listened to my boyfriend long time ago that there's no such things as bestfriends. She even know that we've been through shits with our bestfriend relationship for 5 years. But she's still doing this. I guess she has forgotten what she had done that I appreciated between thhose 5 years. I feel like she's not her. The girl that I once know.

Now each and everytime we wanna hang out she just need to call him! Why! I don't like him! I don't like it if he just have to hog my bestie all the time! It's annoying. I shouldn't have! I shouldn't have met you! I shouldn't! I hate you so much now! I don't know if I mean it but deep dowN this is what I really wanna express and for sure she is gonna read this. I do not wanna say I'm fine when I'm not. I'm done lieing to myself. I'm done being nice and I'm done doing things that I don't approve for her. She has her guy to do all that fucked up things for her. She don't need me at all. And all I can say to her is GOOD LUCK! Never expect me to be good and nice to her after this shit. I had it! I thought she was one girl that is different. Someone that will never ever go all this trouble to hurt me. Looks like she's just the same! She did this over for a guy!? Fuck la! Just screw this relationship la. It doesn't even mean anything to me anymore.