Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Something cruel plus dissapointment in Jeremy!!! I hate you for now!

Hi guys, it has been sometime which is last week that I have not updated my blog. Nothing nice actually happened, only last friday was great. But yesterday, the most shittiest thing happened between me and that ******!!
Jeremy finally found out about me. Finally found out that I liked him. Don't know how, and don't know who was it/what is it that showed him/tell him. If I ever found out it was someone, that someone is gonna be dead. The plan is, I don't want him to know. Not this soon. Now he knows, I'm so sad, you wanna know why? He is not accepting this willingly. Jeremy told me yesterday that he has no feelings towards me and he already has someone on his mind. I think I know who is it. So obvious. And, he also told me that he was sorry that he showed signs which brought me to have hope towards him.
Well, I of course on the other hand did not take that news with an open heart. I didn't handle it well.I cried at my workstation. He broke the news so sudden and somemore, he suggested that we should avoid each other for the time being. I was like 'what the fuck?' You screw things up and you're not even making a fucking effort to clean up the mistakes you have made? Instead of cleaning up, you're running away from every fucking thing.
I put too much hope on him. Too much until when he reject me, I spilled out every hatred and everything I held inside. But this wasn't the plan all along. The plan was to get to know him, dig information out and after 3 months, tell him how I feel if that feeling of loving him is still there. That will be after I come back from America. I know so much that he likes someone else, well, my question is this. 'Why would you want to love someone whom you're not sure will be your so called'girlfriend or not, when someone else likes you on the other side?' You know so well, that I like you, or even love you. Why must you avoid me? I do not wanna be his friend but he wants to. And if you want to be someone's friend, what more are you fucking showing if you're not even talking to me? You're not even seeing me. You wanna avoid me? He said he needs time? What time does he even need? I am the one hurting. Not him. What the fuck man.
Anyway, getting close with this guy name Felix in my company. He is cute. Actually, counted the most cutest guy in my company.But, don't worry, he and me are nothing. I won't like him anyway. He can't speak english that well. So he is not my type. But just a really close friend. A number of people knows about me and Jeremy's status now. Not suprise. But I really want to eat with the malays now once in a while. Don't know how..I don't see how I can do that if he is acting like such a jerk and an asshole.
Well, anyway, have to get back to work now. Will update more later. Work is realy pissing me off now. Kinda tired with doing flash. Well, guess I can't run away from this. Bye guys!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Hang out with the dudes and my gal!

Hello to all my fellow peeps and fwens and god knows whoever reading this blog. Just came back from watching the movie inception with Jeremy, Jennifer, Felix and Sky. It was nice. Actually it was a very nice movie, it's so unique. All the concepts are something beyond your imagination but I don't quite get the story. Need to ask Jeremy to explain.
Well, I went home with Jeremy. Jeremy did share quite somethings about christianity in the car. Somehow, I felt that he is one nice guy and will be a nice boyfriend if he ever try to be one. He can change, therefore, I will change him. I don't know how and when will I do that, but I know I want him for sure. Something makes me kinda dissapointed just now when I told him that I'll be staying at his apartment next thursday. He seem like he doesn't want to. I just want to get to know him better and it will be a whole lot of adventure. Seeing him like this makes me worry.
I thought since we're like together in the same company, it's easier to get to know each other but then no, it seems harder. How can this even be possible? I like him a lot. I don't know how to explain it in words. Just now sitting next to him in the cinema was like nothing much. I don't feel any sparks. Probably because he was moving here and there. I wish, I just wish that he could ask me one question just now in the cinema ' are you cold?' I know he was cold himself but at least asked me so I can see that he was concern or something.
I don't know why and what am I feeling. Lonely? I really really wanna stay with him, at least a day. Please, let me. That way, each time, me and him are together alone, we can talk things out. A lot of things out each other. I can see through him a little now. Staying with him, I will learn a lot about him. And that's what I want. To dig every single details about him when he know's nuts about me. Seriously, I don't want him to know me. Not until I know him. I'm gonna act all cool. And on mondayI will just tell him that am staying at his apartment. He can try and sleep on the bed with me. Single bed is fine with me. That's even nicer. So I can touch him. Ahahahaha, but I do wanna touch him. I really want to touch his hand.
I really do feel like am falling madly deeply in love with him. But sine he is such a random guy, I don't think I can accept everything. But since am changing for him, I need him to change for me. Two things, support in financial and caring. That's all. Of course my routine is still on. That would be the details. Anyway, I really wish he could get the clue. Get the clue that I like him in every way. And please Jeremy, please open up your heart for me. If not, I have to force my way in.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

This is crazy!

This is crazy. Couldn't today get any better? I almost had an accident today when on the way coming to work and yeah, almost died in a car accident. Phew, and that lady that I almost crashed to, she somemore wanna glare at me? What the heck? Anyway, thank god am alive now.
So obviously, I was late to work, and yeah, I thought and at least I thought he could at least concerned about me but I don't feel his concern at all. He did asked me what happened but not as much as I thought he would. I thought he said I am important but when the thing really gets into this shit, he never show that he does.
I was kinda dissapointed in the way that he just asked me what happens but never say something like 'are you okay?, did you get hurt?, aiyo, you're so careless, nextime be careful o," that sort of thing. At least show something. He just asked like 'what happen,oh, i see, you should be happy that you're alive, learn from your failure,"and that's it? I was like this guy is seriously dumb.
Is it hard to find a guy who will care for you like anything and a guy who will support you in financial? This two, is only what I am looking for in a relationship. I didn't ask for looks. I just want this two from a guy. Is it very very hard? I just don't get it. How come I can't find a guy with those? They are always lacking of one. At least one! If he can support in financial, he don't care about me and a lousy boyfriend material. If he cares, he has no money. Always like this. ARGH! Why is the world so cruel! Argh! I wanna find the one already. I don't want to play with life. I want to find the one! But I can't! I want you Jeremy, but why are you acting so random and weird? Why, why, why? Please change for me! If only I could tell you how I feel but how? I do not wanna screw things up. If only you could read this! ROAR!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

He did it again!

Well, as I expected. My intuitions told me. He didn't come to yarm char with us because he has some counselling thingie? Well, as I expected. He won't be coming. He send me a last minute sms which I wanted to kill him already because I waste my work out, rush for him and all that sums up to him not coming for the yarm char session. At least should have told me earlier.
Well, falling for this guy is seriously hard. I can't fall for guys who are friends with tons of girls. I can't control my emotions of jealousy. I am a bit of a fucked up situation here. I do not wanna fall for him and I seriously still do not wanna fall even more! I'm getting a little over board here. I can't stop thinking about him. JESSICA, WILL YOU FUCKING STOP THIS SHIT!!? YOU WILL SCARE THE HELL OUTTA HIM IF HE EVER FINDS OUT! ARGH!!
Look, how nice? I've gone all cuckoo now. Scolding myself? What the hell? Do you know, each time when I'm doing work, I will go to the toilet and calm myself down and say to myself to not fall for him. I already put a vow to my facebook that I WILL NOT fall for him, AND I MEAN IT! I actually put some make up to see him tonight and all effort was wasted one more time. One more time and one after another he is dissapoiting me. I know, to him, I'm not at all important. So why should I even care much about him right?
Collouges are all making fun at both of us. One of my collouge today told me that he knows I'm finding for him but he wasn't in work. And a lot of my collouge knows there's at least a little sparks going on between us. I always wanna deny that but somehow I can't. How can I even fal for a guy like that? He is the total opposite of me? For a moment, and for the first time in my 24 years of me living in this world, I'm actually scared to move into a relationship. Maybe I really want to find the one that will be with me and cherished me , take care of me, and etc. This guy, is not what I think he would. He isn't my prince in shining armour but I really wish he could at least try. He doesn't even get the slightest idea on how much am I hurting seeing him like this. He is hurting me but all I can ever do is just shut up and act as if I am happy. This is the part where loves sucks to the max. You love that person but that person doewsn't know and act as if you're nothing!!! He pays less attention to you and all. ARGH!!!!! HATE IT, HATE HIM? WHO CARES WHO I HATE!!! HATE THIS SHIT!!
Hey guys. I just finish doing my work. Now helping out Mario with her scenes.
I actually can't understand. What is this that am feeling? Love or just desperate? I don't think about jim so much anymore. I don't even think like he ever existed in my life. I don't feel hurt anymore. What keeps me going in this work is one guy name Jeremy. He kind of like look after me and take care of me.
We both have so much fun time together. More like I sometimes feels like I'm his closest mate here around. But then, again, I thought that he likes me when he started using a lot of the 'deer' word indirectly calling me dear. I was so happy when I found that out on sunday. I didn't have any particular feelings towards this guy until sunday when we chatted and he called me up on that afternoon and said he wanted to chat while waiting for his friend. I kind of found out that he likes me in a way. But then when I get to know him better, I realise he don't. Not that he told me, I just feel it.
Actions that are done by him somehow makes me thinks that he likes me. But sometimes he covers up and make as if he doesn't have any feelings for me. Am so confused. I seriously, don't know what make me so attracted to this fella. He is not the perfect guy that I thought I would wanna find after jimmy. So why am I falling for him?
Man, this sucks. I thought of waiting for 3 months then see whether can me and this guy really match? I found out lots and tons of things about him yesterday. Let me see and state here...He likes milk a lot, without it, he will go hyper, instead of drinking alcohol(not sure is it a joke or not). He loves chocolates too. He don't trust anyone 100%. He has a bestfriend whom only knows him 20% and another which knows him 6%. Both are guys. He loves to shoot people and loves people to counterback his jokes. He loves fun and open people. He doesn't share his feelings towards people so that's why he has no blog. He loves to keep stuffs about him to himself and he's been living like this for the past few years. He is not rich, from Ipoh, a christian. One year older than me and have a good sense of humour. He completed the whole bible. He likes a girl who is simple, quiet, not so outgoing and can play along with him with his jokes and randomness. He is very random, seriously.
Looks like I do know lots about him but still I wanna get to the peak. So I'm giving myself 3 months to get to know him better and see whether is he the one. Probably I feel like without him in work is boring because he has become my true friend already but maybe there's another meaning. See, I'm not so sure myself what is this am feeling. He wants to go out and have a drink with me and my friends. I sent him instant message but he did not reply me. He is not even in work today. Today he showed a very bad example. Not replying my sms, and not telling me where he is. And about the plans tonight whether is he gonna make it which he was persuading me so much about, he isn't answering me. Am I pissed? Kind of because he was the one wanted to have a drink with us so badly. Well, that's up to him. He doesn't wanna go then it's fine with me. Just don't persuade me anymore. At least message me. Sheeeish!!
You see, once again, am stuck in this fucking mess and hate it. Falling for wrong guy, falling for love again. Love really conquers our hearts and it sucks. Okay, am off. Bye bye!
I dedicate this song to you Jeremy: You hold the key to my heart-Jessica Jarrell.Whoever wanna know how am feeling can listen to this song.

Monday, July 12, 2010

New working place and environment.

Hey guys. I am working now in Ed technology Sdn. Bhd. Nice and lovely place. Everyone is so nice to me. Well, almost. And things are getting pretty rough lately. Lots and lots of projects. Need to finish it up. Sigh, another staying back thingie but then we have overtime pays. HAahahaha! Anyway, met a lot of guys in my new working place because there are only 5 girls there. Including me. Only 2 chinese girls and all the other 3 is malays. And the rest are infested by guys! Ahahahaha!
Anyway, I kinda have a crush with this guys. Not a handsome dude, but just a casual dude. Simple dude, but loves to bully me a lot. He loves to make fun of me, tease me. And I have no idea why am I falling for a guy like this. Sometimes, i feel like he likes me but sometimes I feel like he doesn't. But isn't it funny? If you like that person, whether or not the activity suits you, that person calls you out, you will surely go out right instead of finding out every particular thing about that activity before going out. If it's just a movie, then why not? I don't know. Probably, my thoughts are wrong all this while. He doesn't like me.
Somehow, I feel like my qualifications for a boyfriend is very little. You need to fetch me and my friends, support me in financial, never make me call you cause you will be the one calling instead and remember, and be caring and loyal. That's it. Is it hard? I don't know.. Oh, and a going out every sat IS A MUST. Unless you can give me one good particular reason. I don't know why. But I don't find that hard at all. Na-ah. Obviously, especially financial. When you're with a person, the guy has to see whether can he support him as well as the girl. No point being with someone and not practicing that and when we get serious, you can't support her.
All am saying is that, this guy that I have a crush on is always asking me to spend him. Do I even look like I'm a rich girl? Jeez! My ex boyfriend don't think I can support myself financially that is why he is notbreaking up with me yet. So what makes this dude think I'm rich? Sigh, I really wish he could stop doing that instead spend me. Well, that's it. Today stayed back with Jeremy and yeah, had a great time with him. He sometimes sweet and sometimes not. Anyway, doing flash animation now. Torturing as hell. 25 more scenes to go. Gambateh hishioni-san. You can do it!! Ciao guys!!!~~

Monday, July 05, 2010


Hey guys. It's been awhile. Yes, been a while. Now am in work. No work to do yet so just thought of updating my blog. I'm now in cheras. Working in my new working animation company. Well, everything from my first day till now which is my forth day seems pretty good. Nothing bad has happened only the stupid traffic jams that I have to face every single day.
I haven't tell you about the trip yet. Well, it was okay. Wasn't a blast due to the relationship me and THAT FAT bimbo is having. We went to Bukit tinggi. I don't know and never heard of that place. It's like you're in half london and half switzerland. Really. Then again I really, really wish that it was been better. Because of the arguments me and him having that canceled the fun. Jon replaced Afif for not coming over.
Well, the most thing that I enjoyed most was the rabbit park and the horse riding. Oh, not to mentioned that I drank Carlsberg that day when watching football. And hahahaha, the country that I supported won. Lolz! Germany! Hahahaha. Anyway, yeah, that was all I enjoyed. I wished that'll be more though.
Anyway, I'm not so sure, in my working place whether someone likes me or not? Somehow I think he does like me a little. Maybe he enjoys my company. Not too sure. But I already made a vow to my facebook saying that I won't be falling for guys easily. This gus is good. Actually, he kinda gives his attention to me. So not too sure about it. Anyway, gonna go lunch with him later and the rest of the chinese dudes. At last I could mix with some animation chinese dudes. Lolz, not like my previous company. Damn you! And well, I'm kinda happy here. So, yeah that's about it. Wether that guy likes me or not, hmmm, just have to see lor. Lolz. Well, maybe I'm just to perasan. Hahahahaha....Okay bye bye....

Thursday, July 01, 2010

What a fucking ex boyfriend I have to bear?

Alright, like I said previously. This fucker is not making things easier for me. And he seriously wants to break up with me that baDLY. Well, if he wants it then he will have it. ROAR him man, I hate him so much. He can go die like I will care. After this, I curse that he won't even have any...and I mean anyone . Any girl to love him. He can go suck his own balls la. Fuck man. I know I'm saying all this is too vulgar but then I can't help it. Whatever he did just now are all fucked up and you wanna know what? What makes him think that after breaking up with me, ANY GIRLS will love him? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well, I do not wanna judge but....I can already see it. None! All he ever cares about is his consoles, his stupid guitar and his stupid toys. All those. Only those. What does he knows about girls stuffs? After 3 years of together. Nothing! He never learn shits! Jimmy, you're a loser. Seriously. I do not know why I still putting high hopes on you. F*** Y**!!!