Saturday, October 31, 2009

Trust, forever and sorry is TOTALLY GONE!!

Today, is a day that I won't forget. Firstly, I really can't wait that today October 31st which is a Halloween night to come because The All American Rejects are coming to perform. And what I can't wait is that I'm also gonna be jamming in the afternoon and this whole day is gonna be a blast. But, my bestfriend called me up. Telling me about a job offer that she has. Everything suddenly from happy and cheery turns to moody and dark.
Well, duh!! I should be like fucking happy for her, but what I am not happy is that, we were talking about this stupid issue for quite sometime already. We went to the interview together, and she ended up having the job but I don't. And the worst thing is, she wants to be in that company. And the other sucky thing is, SHE FUCKING PROMISED ME back at 2007, February 3rd on that night when she is gonna fly off to Melbourne. I said this to her 'Promise that you'll come back and we'll work together' And she nodded and said 'Promise' And we break down to tears and cried. Oh come on, I am there, I was there and I witnest every fucking single thing. My ears don't deceived me. She even remembered that damn promised she and me made. Now, we can't find job and when she feels like she is drowned by this shitty job she's having, that don't offer her much, she only thinks about herself.
I mean, what is she so fucking afraid off? I mean, she has a freaking degree all the way from Melbourne, her drawing is great, she has a lot of potential, she knows more softwares than me, she can draw life drawing, figure drawing plus carricature. I mean, compare to me, what the fuck do I even have? I can't even draw figure drawings perfectly, I can't draw carricature and I definitely knows lesser softwares than her. And I only have a diploma. Obviously every other companies will definitely pick her. I'm like over shadowed by her. I am nothing when she is standing beside me but all this while, I thought that she will not leave me. But in the fucking end, today, October 31st at 2.05 p.m she called me up. I knew there was something up. Something not right. And yes, I was right. She told me she have the offer letter and she was planning to accept it and start working there in the middle of November. I was like, what the fuck. I mean, seriously. You dare to just leave me and let me rot in our working place? I mean, is that what she wants? Is that okay for her to leave me there? Is it okay for her that our friendship is going to just burn up like that just because of a freaking job that she so wanted in her whole entire fucking life? So what if she's struggling in this work? So what if it is not an animation job? So what if it isn't the pay that she expect? Everything. This are the questions that are running in her fucking mind. I can easily shoot it back to her. I earned like more than RM1500 the last job I have and now just cut the '0' out of the RM1500 and what do you get? That's like how much I'm earning right now. I do complain but the job isn't that tension and all. I am happily working there. I do have pride but seriously, this job is not as bad as her fucking mind thinks. I know she wants to quit because she has face and the money. But she never think one thing. What will happen to this friendship? When I tell her the circumstances, she don't think that it is gonna happen. She even can say this to me' I won't let this happen' What she meant by that is, she won't let my friendship and her friendship fall'
Seriously, after today, I learned a new thing. In this fucking world. There's no one. Absolutely no one you could trust. Not even your boyfriend. The greatest guy or girl you have ever met also can't trust. Parents or family also can't trust. But that usually depends. My bestfriend, is the first person I ever put my whole heart into. I trusted her, I even believed in her. Follow every advice she gave me. But now, trust. The word trust is the third word I will not believed and won't mean anything to me anymore. Thanks to her, she is the last bestfriend I'm ever gonna have. Because bestfriends, you have to trust in them to become one. So since trust is not there anymore, I don't think I wanna have anymore bestfriends after her. All I can say to her now is that, 'good luck in your freaking job. Hope your life is much more better there than being rotting with me in this current job we're having. I'm so glad that I met you so that I know how is the feeling when you get betrayed by someone whom you so loved so much and never expect it.'
Well, I just came back from the concert and I'm so bushed up. Better get some sleep. Did I mentioned how emotional I got? Even when the concert was about to start, I was still moody in a way.No matter what, this situation will not settle until I get a job or get THE JOB itself.Well, it is already 3.00 a.m. Better run. So, people, remember. Don't trust anyone. Well, that's really up to you anyway. Bye and goodnight.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Job job job!

Hi guys. Now I'm currently working partime doing customer service. Need to find a real permanent one. Not really earning a lot now. But still can support me. I'm really dissapointed in this year. Not only me but I've been hearing bad things happening to my friends too. Some quited their job and their love life also had been screwed up. As for art feild in Malaysia, it is really pretty lame. I don't know why Malaysians are like that. For animation or anything to do with art, Malaysia is always the lowest. Oh well, I'm actually enjoying the job I'm doing now, no stress, no worries but the only thing is that my boss is really a total *******!! He keeps on pestering me to work night and stay back and sometimes even just put me offday when I said I'm working on that particular day. He don't even talk to me about it. Simply suka hati just wanna put people scehdule here and there. If he's paying me like shit then I don't care la wanna work how and such and such. But the thing is he is paying me so little. Cutting down my working hours is already cutting down my salary la. EEEeeeish. Kek sim ar!!! But what to do? I need to do what? Patient. Just like what I did in my previous company. Sad case man this world. Sigh, I just wish and hope and also pray that 2010 will be a better year like it is promised. I saw the reviews for the year of the tiger. It is quite promising but whether to believe it or not, it is up to me to decide next year. 2 more months and the year of the tiger will soon be here. FASTER LA! Cannot tahan already ar!!

Sunday, October 04, 2009

A forbidden loving feeling.

Hi guys. Been a long long time I haven't actually updated myself. There's a lot of things been happening lately. Let's quit talking about carreer but about love life instead. That's whats this whole blog is for anyway. The title says it all.
I've been going out with my guys lately. Three of my lovely dudes. But what is wrong with me is, I tend to fall for guys easily. I wouldn't wanna say who. I think they should know who. But sometimes, I just don't get it. When you have a boyfriend, can you even actually fall for someone else? Unless your boyfriend not treating you perfectly or just not boyfriend material right? Or is it that the relationship has gone from exciting to boring?
Here I go again falling for someone I shouldn't have. I did try to hold myself back. I did try to not to let him know which I did succeed. BUT, I couldn't hide it anymore. It really hurts and the feeling of torture is there. It is like you know, the feeling when you really wanna tell someone you love that you love them so that they'll know how to treat you properly. But the worst thing in my life, I'm afraid in relationship is that I don't wanna hear what the other party wanna say when he rejects my love. I've been through so much of this.
I recently just express my love to someone I shouldn't have fallen for. It is forbidden plus A SHOULD NOT thing to do. He did take it cooly but somehow, treating him as my closest friend is just very different. Do you know how hard it is for me to just as if everything is cool when actually it is not. I tried to play games, do some work, think about other things but I can't stop thinking about that night when he said that I and him are just not meant to be. I did just wanna leave it alone. Each time I tell myself that everything is gonna be fine, I tend to have this stupid heaviness in my heart that I know I'm just lieing to myself plus to him that I am fine. Why? Why is this world so unfair? Why can't we be with the person we love instead of being with someone we think that can support us? Which one is even important in the first place? Support or true love?I'm so confuse.
I sometimes just wish that he knows that I'm actually been holding all this behind him and I just wish that he knows I'm not okay. Whenever I'm alone with him, I really wanna grab him and just throw my hands all around him. But....sadly I can't do that at all with him. Oh fucking shit.....I feel like crying now. Well, my friend told me to be strong. We can't have everything we want. I know...But I just wanna let everyone knows that it is not easy to fight a feeling which is so strong and just put it aside and act as if everything will be normal later on. It will come back.
He did something dissapointing to me today. I thought that he is already started to change. But he said he didn't meant to do that. But something is missing in that message. Where's the 'love you' word? I don't know is it just me that I'm worrying too much or is it true that he is slowly changing but he don't wanna tell me the truth on what he is feeling? I already know that this will come one day. I'm ready for anything. But one thing I can't garuntee is that I might not treat him the same way. If he hurts me much more and more I will be able to give up this relationship. It hurts a lot to write this out. But what else can I do? I love him so much but I just can't be with him at all. Not even very close. As close to hugging and that's the end. This whole world suck!! I WISH I WAS BORN. Go and listen to Collby Calliat-Falling for you. It is dedicated to him. Goodnight and bye.