Monday, August 04, 2008

How amazingly humans change

Hey all. Realise the title up there? I realise that when a human change, he/she won't change back to his/her old self again.
I'm really sad now that my friends changed a lot. Sometimes, I really wish I did not introduce them this horrible work. It is like when they goes in, got this spell 'HOCUS POCUS' they changed. And not to say they changed a bit. They changed a lot. To their carreer, their are amazingly good and well determined and finding money for them is never enough. But when it comes to spending time with me, they take so hard to do it. They aren't loyal anymore. Especially Afif. I have no idea what had changed him. I have no idea what hit him. I wish things could goback as normal as they were before we even know what is working life. I know that soon, I have to leave him. If our condition now is like this, we will really lose contact.
Everyday, I feel like crying. Another things is my carreer. I know that I'm gonna get kicekd out soon enough. They said if I don't perform well, within this 6 months, I have to leave. Which in my freaking mind, I have no intentions on believing anymore on what that company have to say. I did perform well enough(mind them) and try to act cooly and willingly voluntered so many things to help out and this is what I get at the end of the day?
This month is Jen and Afif's apraisal. I'm sure both of them is gonna be better. Both of them will be a permanent worker there. Well, me, I don't know why things just don't go my way. Deep down, I'm hurt, as well, as lost. Everyday, I don't know what to do. I don't know why that boss is treating me like I'm some kind of toy that he enjoy playing with. Sometimes, I do feel like killing him, stab him, burn him or even kill his family. I feel like doing chaotic stuff to him but I know their all just fantasies of mine.
Well, as I was saying, I'm lost. I feel so lost right now. I even can wonder why I'm even born into this world. Sometimes, whenver I wanna prove something, things starts to go wrong and I lost hope in doing that. Afif always tell me that I'm doing better than him. But how come, I'm always getting the downside of people's thinking towards me? They think so lowly of me and that makes me like a total loser in that place. People says I'm rude, can't follow instructions well and stubborn.
Somehow I feel like when I changed too much, they don't see it. I can tell honestly I changed my self. And it was a forced to do so, so that people will like me as old times again but, things never changed. I only got problems with Afif and no one elses there. My problem with Afif has nothing to do with ANYONE or ANYTHING in the office. But why do people always saying to Afif that I'm the bad girl?
Well, I don'T know what to do. Sometimes when I just keep everything inside, it hurts too much until I can't stand it anymore and just need to let it out to this blog. Hope this blog is secretive towards the people I hate.
Well, this is my last hope, my last laugh and my last motivation. If I do this animation, and I didn't get to get in, I think I should just go kill myself. Means I'm fucking useless. Sigh, no mood to type more. I'm in a depressed situation. Okay. Bye guys. Pray for me will you? Thanks.