Tuesday, June 24, 2008

My birthday Event!!!

Hey guys! I was having a marvellous time in melaka. My bf, my bestfren and my kor kor took me to melaka and they spend time with me there. I really have to thank jen and my bf for all the effort they did. And thank you guys for the presents. It is really all the things I wanted. My boyfriend bought for me the big patrick stuff toy, kingdom hearts one and 2 walkthrough guide book and a small device just for fun to press here and there. Hahaha. Good to use when you're stress or feel like punching someone.ThANKS bie Love ya lots. Muacks!
Jennifer bought for me a message in a frame decoration thing and the click five (1st album) and daughtry cd for me. WOO HOO! Thanks Jen. My kor kor bought for me a lollita blouse. It's a pink colour lollita shirt that looks very much like sailormoons uniform. Just that mine is pink. Wkakakaka! Thanks a lot man you guys. Really appreciate whatever you guys had done for me.
My bf and Jennifer spend a lot of money on the trips. I can see that the hotel really did cost them a lot. We stayed at Legacy hotel in melaka. Really a grand place. And when I say grand I meant grand. And after that, the next day,. we went to A famosa, to go and see the safari park and the cowboy town. The day after that, we went back there and went to the waterworld. So just imagine, how much have thet already spended on me? And the last night when we are gonna head back to kl, Jen promise me that she would wanna go and take me to eat baba nyonya food. Woo hoo! And my kor kor and my bie bie is planning a dinner for me. My bie bie is planning on my birthday and my kor kor is gonna be on the 1st of July.
Well, I reaLLY LOVe the cowboy town the most. I love the carnival show. It is like a parade. Tons of weird animals, and people dress up in colourful and weird costumes comes out and just walk and you can shake hand with them if you want.
I enjoyed the red indian shows too. Hahaha, Jen was picked to be the cheifs wife twice. And it was really funny. Well, I pitied her in a way, but on the other hand, it was really funny.
Well, nothing much in waterworld and safari park. Well, can't wait for my dinner. Hahaha. Okay la. But I jsut wanna thank all of them for giving me my best birthday event ever. The 2nd one will be my 21st birthday. Hahaha.
Okay signing off

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Suckie birthday month experience!

Hi people. It's been million times I'm always saying this but I'm gonna say it anyway. So long I haven't been posting up stuff. Lately, I'm always saying about work. Yeah. I am the age of 22 years old. My coming birthday is around the corner. My Excelum friends are planning something very big for me. But sadly I feel that it isn't much for me because, one of my friends which name is Afif, well, he and me used to be very coll and good friends. I used to hate him in the past and now we're like back together. Close as usual. I even asked him to become my pet brother. Lately, when he was changed into a different department, (we work under one roof by the way), he changed slowly without me realising it. Until recently I found out a lot that he changed freaking a lot. I'm not lieing or anything. I'm not even exagerating(however you spell it) the story.
When we were working under one roof, he used to come down and make with me coffee/milo. He also use to email me through email in the working place and he usually goe4s home early and act very lazy towards his work. His and my dreams were to become an animator one day. I do have the qualifications and he doesn't. But after awhile the stupid boss took him/choose him over me and he now is an animator. I was jealous and freakign pissed at him when I everyday have to see him doing animation. From someone who knows nothing become someone who is way better than me. And that's where it all began. We fight each time I hear him talking about his work. But I thought that is the end when I promised him that I won't fight with him anymore about this. Even he was encouraging me to become an animator. He wanted to teach me. I still have that email where he said that he wants to teach me after work. And all this incident of him being an animator, he said he feels guilty too. I'm still keeping those messages.
Then now when that project is done. He is now doing using another software which is my worst nightmare software and he is using that. And I can't even animate anything from that software and because the freaking boss puts him there, he can do it. Although he is getting tortured but I can see that he is doing much better than me. Sometimes, yeah, I do feel jealous on him. Why is everythign going well for him? Now, when he is doing this new project, he is not even spending time with me. Not even a single bit. It is like we're dirfting far far apart. He always says that he is still spending time with me but I don't see it. I don't even feel it. It's been several days already that he is not in my houe eating dinner like we usually do. We don't even hang out late night to yarm char. We don't even watch movie together 1 on 1 anymore. We don't even have a time of alone together anymore. The only time when we're alone is office time. And I just don't like that atmosphere around us.
Lastime he loves to watch movie with me. Only with me. Now, whenever I asked him to watch a movie with me, his answer is always this
Afif: What movie? Hah!! So late? Um....other movie la.
Afif: What time? Cannot la. I got scenes that I haven't finish yet.
This is what he always says. I go to work with him and end up coming home alone after work. Lasr saturday, we went to KL and he went and bought my birthday present. He was his oldself on Saturday asking me whether I can walk or not, concerning whether I can climb up the stairs, whether I want to have a drink or eat or not? ASKING me whether am I bored....I really miss that. I missed the old him where he has nothing on his mind. When he only worries about me. And only thinks about me. Right now, frankly, I'm not doing very well either. No one hears my cries.
Each time I scroll down the email. The older messages, he was so sweet. As I scroll up, he is beginning to become evil. Sometimes I do so much for him, I have no idea will he even realise that. He said he loves me on Saturday. I don't see it. He said that he don't show his love. No matter where he is, he will still love me. I know that but this is getting ridicolous. It is like you just say all this sweet things to me but you're showing 0% of it. Like yesterday, he didn't inform me about his plans. He didn't tell me where he was going. Until I have to find him and then he didn't even want to apologise using his mouth. Instead he asked my bestfriend to pass a message to me. If he love me a lot, if I'm different from the others, if I'm so special to him, then why is he even treating me like I'm a bunch of crap. Like I'm nothing. I feel so hurt EVERY SINGLE WEEKDAY. On weekends, he is his old self but on weekdays, he is not. He promise that he'll stay one of this week before the trip but judging the way he deals his stupid work, I think he even forgotten about that. There's a lot more that he promised and say that makes me feel better but it all comes down to nothing. I don't know what more I should do to make him understands. He never smokes lastime when he loves me, when he was his oldself. He stopped for me. Now he is going back to that killer habit. And he is smoking more and more. I even keep the message where he said that he already stop smoking and asked me to stop worrying about him smoking. He even complains that I was controlling him too much. I gave him freedom after that and what happens now? I wish that my rope with him in this relationship won't be cut by something or someone. It is already in the depths of death. It is already considering a warning. Sometimes when I just go home like that, or when he has to stay back, I wonder does it even effect him a little? Does he even care? Do he feels sad not going home with me? Do he feel far away from me? Does he feel like how I feel now? Do he cry like me? I don't think so. Lastime when he has to stay back with me, he always curse, but now when he willing to stay back, he can soemmore smile with his so call friends back in that company. Sometimes I feel like he don't need me there to accompany him because he got friends there. Like I said I don't know what to do anymore.
Jennifer is my bestfriend. She never actually let me down but sometimes, especially when it comes to hanging out late, she got a problem. What I want in a bestfriend is, be there when I need her and almost has the same personality like mine because I love to go otu late at night, and if she don't, I can't tolerate. Somehow I just got a problem with the sentence 'have to be home early' And yesterday when I was really depressed, she didn't come to teman me and she never call me up, till last minute.
My boyfriend name Jimmy, well, he stays far away from me. But love don't count the distance. If you still can travel to my house using car, why not? And he always don't come find me when I need him. I need a boyfriend to be there or on my side or on my call 24/7. So get ready whenever I need him, he is always there. Distance don't really matter at all when you're in a relationship. Not only distance, everything don't matter.
My birthday month, why I say is sucky, because three of my lovely angels, they had put me in through lots of pain this month especially Afif. My birthday months suppose to be a happy month for me. It is not for me now. After all this shit that I have shared. They are planning a trip to Melaka this friday. I will really murder Afif is he says that he can't make it. Totally won't be his friend after that 100%. I'm happy on what they are doing for me. But 3 more days to the trip and I'm feeling sick and tired of this sucky feeling. I've tried soooooo hard to let it go by crying out to myself when no one can see it. I don't want them to see.
I do so much things for you guys, is because I love you guys. I want all of us to be together forewver. Not just together but close. I don't want any boundaries to come between the four of us. I don't want just a simple work will just pen a path for us and we just leave each of us behind.
I love all of you because I don't want to lose anymore friends in my sucky life OKAY!!!? Please understand this. Afif, please don't hurt me anymore. Balance up your time with me and work. You're putting more time in your working place. Don't make me lose hope on you and just cut the rope myself because I'm already feeling it. I want this month to be perfect but looks like my half a month has been nothing but destruction. Nothing good has come at all. Just remember this. I will always love you all no matter what. I do so many things for you all, sometimes I want something in return but I'm not asking much. Just to be there when I need you 24/7.
Please you guys, please love me the way I love you all. Please put me first. I don't know if I'm even wasting my time doing all this. Please understand this merssage that I'm trying to send to you all. Please love me the way I love you guys. Please don't just understand it today and forget about it the next day. Each time we fight, always open up to this page again and read again. Sigh, well, I have to go now. I think this should be clear enough why is this month so sucky. Bye guys

Signing off
-Depression girl-