Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Confession to my dearerst bie, my friends who don't know my true feelings & the word 4eva!

Alright, alright. What am I about to say right here, right now in this blog is a confession to my dearest baby. Well, I' want to start off with a little story of mine which well, haha. This blog will be kinda long but I have to make it short because I'm using his computer so don't want to keep him waiting.
Anyway, when I wAS small, I have no friends. I was a loser back in high school. When I made friends with his girl name Elizabeth. And well, that was a total mistake to mix with her but then leh, it was her to let me know who is Reney. I also got to thanks her but what the heck la. Reney is also the type of girl I don't like after all.
Growing up, especially when I was form 4, I have this boyfriend name Jeremy which was my bestfriend lastime and I'm only with him like for four days. Thanks to him who don't know how to be my boyfriend so it only last for four days and we broke up. And then I met this sermeban fella and we are together for like 1 month and then broke up. And then I met another guy which is also in seremban and his name is Eddie and I met him in a church camp. And we were together for like 2 weeks and then we broke up. After that I waS single and move on with life because my relationship with those 3 ex's weren't how to say that serious until I met this guy name Bryan and then we started dating for 3 months and then we broke up. And that was the most toturing relationship which I had experienced so far because it is 3 months, the longest and his stupid parents always gets in the way. And they involved my sister into it. After breaking off with Bryan I cried every single day but still I know that I have to move on with my life. And then I went to college and met this guy name Chris. I tot hw was the one because he and me well, got somethings in common which is Christianity. And then how I know later on he is so pathetic to even think that God will settle everything and everthing need to leave it to GOD here and God there. ALL I know is that after he said that, I didn't want to be with him anymore. And then after all, he was the one who dump me. And then after him, I work partime and I met this guy name Herman and that's where it all started.
Herman and me had a wonderful life. I think you guys should know like how I wrote in my other previous blogs. Well, we were together for nine months and then all those memories, the places and all those things we did together. And not to mention that he comes to my place and see me almost everyday. And call me everyday.
Until one day everthing change which he lost his life which you guys know that he dissappear and all. And that made me suffer for like I don't know how many months. I think 3 onths. And that time my Kor kor which is my baby now, he was the one who comforted me the most to forget about Herman and it did work until one day he told me that he love me. And we started dating After 1 month later I didn't feel like I could love my baby. Because I felt that he is not treating me right which he is really not treating me right and I was the one who made him liked me a lot. And that time when I felt that I don't really liked him, I was so scared. I scared that I really did made the biggest mistake of my life. And then after that, all of a sudden one day, Herman rang me up and told me that he is alive and his life is perfect. He got back his car, his money, everything and I felt so happy for him. But one thing I wasn't happy was that I was with my someone else and not too sure how to tell him that. After that, he asked me back. He asked me to gave him another chance and that time I todl him that I already have a boyfriend and it was too late.
My life with Jimmy have a lot of barriers. Real barriers and we overcome it. We do have arguments and all but sometimes when we argue, we talk things out. And I didn't like our 1st months and 2nd month of relaionship. I just felt like he was not trying his best or something. Like I couldn't love him so much anymore. And with this Herman stuff going on it really took me a lot of guts to like going out with two guys at the same time. I mean, I'm not being a playgirl or anything. And, AND.!...I and Herman go out as a normal friend. I don't go kissing him or anything like that. NO!! Don't get me wrong here. And yeah, it was really hard for me. Herman wanted me back so desperately. And in order not to hurt him anymore. I played along. LIke saying like all thsoe lastime what I said to him. Like I love him and miss him and stuff. (But in real. I do love him. If you wanna ask me why, please just don't ask because I don't know why either).
After that, my baby changed. As in the way he loved me. He changed a lot. Better. Not to worst. Haha. And he changed more than I could imagine he would. I was so proud of him on valentines day eventhough it wasn't like the best valentines day I have ever been but still I did go out with him, spend time with him and he did bought for me a gift and did planed it all out well enough to make me suprise. My love for him increase more and more after we fought a lot. And I never ever want to lose him. And then one day when I was out with my baby, Herman message me and he tells me that he is in love with someone else. And when he sent me that message, I hated him so much and felt like I never wanted to speak with him ever again. I was with my bie somemore that day and when someone else started telling me that they have found their love, here I am getting angry in front of my own boyfriend. I know eventhough he said he don't feel anything, he sure feels something at least. I shed a tear that night and I don't think my boyfriend knows that. I told him that never use thw wqrod forever to me. Because of that word that Herman use it on me, I felt so hurt right now when he tells me that.
After that day I started feeling so sorry for my bie and all. That's why I'm writing this confession down right now. And now I'm going to write my own personla note to my bie.
My baby chai. I know and you know that I cannot forget about Herman. I mean I can. But still not yet completely over. And I kow that you sometimes feels hurt and all eventhough you don't tell me. Bie, I'm so sorry. I really don't understand still don't get it. I still don't know why I could not forget about Herman. I am still trying my best to love you as much as I love Herman but I don't know how. I'm really out ouf ideas already. But, don't worry. You're doing great. Really great. And I won't forget all those moments you and I spend together.If you want to hate me now, go ahead and hate me. But there's one thing I'm very sure of. I don't want to lose you and I would never ever betray you. Everything, I will tell you and there's one thing I wanna tell you. I still love Herman. But I could never be with him. And I love you too as much as I love anyone else. So you don't need to worry so much. Coz I know I love you and I will always love you. Love ya so much my sweet dear baby. I will not betray you. NEVER! If you wanna know, I could never have imagine me forgetting about Herman when I'm with you but I know I can. I'm so confident I can now. Because of you, I can do anything and because of you, you had made me get up again from not failing my assignments. All those things that you done for me, I'm so happy and sooooooooooooooooooooooooo proud of you. Thank you so much my bie. I love you and I will never ever leave you. So promise me that you won't leave me too. Love you lots. Always will.
The other thing is about my bestfriend. I meant. My ex bestfriend. I felt so sorry that U screwed her up that day. But the reason why I even did that is because she made me so bluddy mad and well, yeah, so that's why I did. I even do that to teach her a lesson. But anyway, I want to say my apology to her since it has been so long already but I don't care la. Just wanna say that I'm sorry. I know she never did understand me but after all, she did help me sometimes when I'm in a deep shit of troulbe so well, I did owe her some too. I guess that's all. I'm turning into a new leave tomorrow. So....yeah. Anyway, I gotta go. Cannot keep my bie bie waiting. Ciao.!!

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Jennifer fly to Melbourne and I'm so sad...I can't bare the painess inside.

Hi all. Jennifer is gone. I mean...she fly to Melbourne already. And now I'm so damn bluddy sad. Like I said in the title up there. Can't bare it. I just only finish crying. Just now I see her off and I regreted not saying anything to her. Tons of things I wanna tell her and I couldn't even come out a single word. Maybe it because there's too many people there and I just well, shy to say it or maybe is because she needs to go in before it was late. But whatever the reason is, I didn't say anything to her which makes me really miss her right now and makes me regret.
What I wanna tell her was " Jennifer, just remember, when you go there, study hard, and like what I said in the card, put your ass back on the plane and fly back here. I'm gonna miss you so much. The actual reason why I don't want you to leave is because, I'm scared that we both will lose contact like all my other ex bestfriends but no matter what happens, they will always remain as my bestfriend whether they still treat me like a bestfriend or not... But all I know I will. Forever will be. Unless, they really hurt me until I can't forget it then habis. Don't ever forget me. I will wait until you come back and I promise you that I'll get a job. I promise you!"
That's what I wanna tell her and I didn't get the chance to say to her in PERSON! I said to her on sms after she sms me back. I was crying so terribly just now and now okay already. Calm down. I mean, I have problems wiht my so called stupid asshole boyfriend of mine which is so damn bluddy useless. If you ask me, I have no idea why am I still with him. It is either desperate or either I'm jsut like wasting my time and his time and just maybe playing around somemore and stuff. But all I know is that I am not playing with his feelings. I did and I really still love him but then all those times, when he calls me up and talk all those bullshit and do not know even how to cheer me up, I keep on thinking to myself( why do I have this type of boyfriend?)
To tell you honestly speaking, I did a very big mistake in my whole entire life to be couples with an idiot. I have no idea why am I even hanging on. Seriously, very confused and very unhappy. After all, Jennifer is not here anymore to tell me what to do so all I can say is....it is all up to the GOD to help me now. I mean, Jennifer is always the medicine to cure whatever climax me and my boyfriend has but now, she's not here anymore and that's what sucks to da max. So, just a wish of good luck and there it goes. Flew away! But for some reason, whatever happens, just let it happens la. I'm sick of always keep on thinking and thinking. Really sucks.
Okay la. Wanna go play wild arms two to release stress sedikit. Ok la. Ciao. WHY MY STUPID BF ALWAYS SOOOOOOOOOOOO BODOH ONE. MEMANG ANOTHER BIG FAGGOT BLUDDY ASSHOLE JERK NOOB IN LOVE MAN! ARGH, FUCK!!!Jennifer, I miss you like crazy until I memang wanna go insane ar.!! ARGH!