Monday, March 20, 2006

Another problem. Sometimes I just wish to be single.

Hi all. I have a problem like what it stated up there. I met a guy on saturday. I knew him in love happens and he added me in msn. I actually have no interest in meeting this guy at first in the beginning. But later on, when I met him on that actual day, I kinda liked him. As a friend first. Then I already know that he likes me coz he keeps walking nearer to me and taking the right time to hold my hand. But in my mind, I keep on reminding myself that I already have a boyfriend and that is Herman but on the other hand I also thought to myself that me and Herman are just temporary couple. We are not real together.
Then when the date finished, we hug as a goodbye hug and then at night, he sms me and asked me the question. 'Can I be your boyfriend'? I was stunt at first. But I was happy at the same time. Does this means that I don't love Herman already. I can definitely answer you now. No. I love him more than anything. But then I was happy because there's at last a chinese guy who love me for who I am. I will definitely go with this chinese guy but there's a lot of problem. One problem is that he stays so far. Another problem is that, he has no car. Another problem is that, he can't call me. Another problem is that I need to see him at least 4 days a week. And the other problem is me. I don't want to fetch my boyfriend here and there anymore. I'm just sick of it and he is not local. That's the worst part.
Now the real problem is that I'll be missing him like crazy if I go with him and he can't see me when I needed him the most. So that really suck. So, if there's a solution to it and if I can stick to that solution then everything can be solved but I don't think it will be that simple. There's a lot of barrier holding me back from being with him. If only he stays nearby and got car and can call and see me everyday, then there will be no problem AT ALL. Really no problem. But now there are so much problems unsettled. I'll be meeting him again on saturday and I told him that I want to tell him something and he scared that it will be a bad news. Which I think it will be a bad news if he gives up easily.
For me, in a relationship is that we can have lack of communication. We need to communicate. A lot. Because the last relationship I had with Chris, the reason why we broke up is because we are lack of communication and face it, he is not local too. That's why we can't talk on the phone all the time but we see it each other almost everyday in college and he lives nearby and still we are lack of communication. So just imagine, if I go with this guy, the same thing might happen. We don't call neither see each other everyday. We only can see each other like one time per week. That's gonna kill me. I really can't stand this type of relstionship. I would die. Because I have experienced it before. A lot of times and it is not nice to experience it again and again. Because I will definitely find another guy who will suit me better which can take me here and there because I'm gonna feel boring liking my own boyfriend who is not alwaYs here with me. And he could do the same thing too. Not only me. He might have plans with other girls and that will make me another issue to get me worried. So, that's the reason why I don't want to have this relationship. There are a lot of things we need to think about. To me, I don't want to make anymore sacrifices to any guys. I've been hurt tons of times from guys and no more sacrifices comes from me anymore. I want the guy to actually give me something. There are a lot of things I expect from relationship now. And, I know, I'm so sorry about that, but that can't be helped already because I want a longest and promising relationship and to have that is to have all the things I listed above.
Well, I guess I have to stopped here. I wanna cry already. I really need help with this problem. If only Kuok Hui can make sacrifices to show how much I really do means to him. I don't know. And I need to teach him english because his english is so terrible and I really mean it. He also admits it himself. Alright, gotta continue my love story. Another hour to wait for Jennifer to finish her class. So long one. Okay la people. Ciao.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Back together. Can't let him go.

Hi people. Sigh, sometimes when you love someone you can't just let him/her go just like that. And like what I said. Maybe there will be a part 2 coming out which is now. Well, he sms me yesterday morning and said that he was sorry and was asking whether can he have another chance. And he said he knew that it was his fault for not going out with me and he said that he really can't get up to even message me and stuff. And well, I did forgive him because if I don't, I'm just lieing to myself. I know that I will be painful without him.
Like yesterday, I was driving to college and I was normal at first but deep down my heart, I was hurting. The 9 knives which I felt on saturday is still stabbing through my heart. How about that? Ok, back to my situation. I was driving and then my tape was playing the song 'we belong together' by Mariah Carey. I was singing along and obviously if you sing a song, you will remember a lot about the lyrics and suddenly, I just cried in the car on my way to college. So, sigh, I was really really depressed. I know I was so hurt which I just didn't want to tell anyone. Coz if I do, they will think why do I only need to cry to get rid of such nonsense or a small matter. To me, anything that is relevant to love, is a big matter for me. I know how painful it is to get hurt from guys because 8 guys already had hurt me before and it is so painful that I can even give up on love just like that.
Somehow, when I reach college, I just didn't want to study. I was not in da mood for anything but I keep on telling to myself that, I have a mission to finish and go on. So I tried to pay attention in class until there was a sms from him. And that woke me up. That he knew that he needs me like how I need him too. I was so happy that he even sms me. And I can concetrate so clear and got the energy to do my work. Seriously, for the first time, I did every single work I have to finish damn fast.
Yeah, so anyway, we did went out yesterday and he has cough and flu. And we went to the arcade to finish of the tokens we left out for that saturday and everything turns out well. Until we went to have a drink, I told him everything what I felt on that 2 dissastress nights. And he told me what he felt and now, everything is settled. I felt happy again. Trusting him,well, decrease. I can't trust him so much. And oh yeah, he bought me ferero rocher choclate in a love shape box. How sweet but I left it in his car. Ahahaha. That's so mean. I forgotten about it ler. Sleepy ler that time. Oh well, not sure seeing him or not tonight. And just got to live with it if he is not seeing me. I'm already prepare on whatever is gonna happened tonight or later.
Alright, I'm so damn boring now. I'm in the comp lab. Nothing much to do. Class is over. I can go home now but waiting for my kor kor. Hahaha. And he just called. What a coincidence. Well, he is coming here. And wait la. Lol.Got more time to be surfing the internet. Lol. Ok. I better go. I don't want him to find out about my blog. Ciao ciao!

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Hate him and I guess this is the path he chose..It's over!

Alright. Hi, I'm so fucking pissed off right now and I have no idea why must I feel that way. Alright, remember when I said that my temporary boyfriend will be taking me to play the machine? Well, he took me on friday whcih I didn't play a lot coz I thought, I THOUGHT that we will be spending saturday afternoon together. The whole night together. But guess what? He sms me yesterday which was saturday and told me that he needs to be back by 12.30 a.m because his mom wants to eat steamboat. Yeah right, more like wanna use him to fetch her eat steamboat. I was still okay until his mom called him again and asked him to come back right that instant. He told me that the mom sounded mad so I was so angry and I just blast off saying "Aiya, go back la, go back la" He called after me of course but as usual when I'm angry at someone, I just ignore and pretend he/she is not there. He paid the parking ticket and went to his car. I followed plus Reney was there. She was another person I was angry at. Anyway, get back to Herman.
Alright we were at the car and I was too busy looking out of the window. I was so damn pissed off. Not talking to anyone and I felt sleepy(honestly). When he send Reney home already, he tried to talk to me and tried to apologise but as usual,I just don't give a shit. And when I reach home, I said one final thing that I was wanting to say so long and that is " Have fun with your mom" I wanted to add the word fucking but I didn't. Alright, then after that I went back home, shed 3 tears for him and wipe them away because they are not worth it AT ALL! And then later around 2.45 a.m, I couldn't sleep, because he didn't called me at all. I wonder what the hell is he doing? Having steamboat and forgotten all about me? So I sms him and asked him to call me as soon as he reach home. He striaght away sms me back and said that he didn't go to the steamboat because he has no mood. His mom scolded him of course but at last his mom also went out with the father. So apparently, he went home for nothing. And I was so angry. Why not, in the first place, his mom should just ask his father to pick them up la instead of ruining our night together. Let's just face it. She is pratically using him and wants him to be at home. And then I called him and we nearly break up. Lucky him, I gave him one more chance. And today he blew up everything.
He said that he will 100% see me today. And at night, when he reach home, he sms saying that he can't. without telling me any fucking reason why he can't see me tonight. I can't get him on the hp. I tried calling him since 9-11 .45 p.m and when I can get him through the phone at 12.10, he told me HE WAS SLEEPING! Here I was so worry and wanna get an answer from him and there he was sleeping coz why? He is sick. He said he got fever, He even THINKS that he has high fever. And what I have to say to that? BULLSHIT! He blew up the last and final chance and he is sleeping way up there in selayang? I mean, imagine. I can't get him, I tried calling him and he is sleeping so soundly. At least get your fucking butt off and move and take your dad's hp and call or sms using your phone and tell me the reason why you can't come. Nothing...zipple. And he was like no mood talking to me on the phone just now. So I sound it and make it quite clear that he can't see me tonight because he is sick. And he said ya. And with that, I said something which wil make him go "oh shit" tomorrow which is..." O...kay. Then like that, you go rest la.Bye bye" And without waiting for his answer, I just slamed down the phone. I sounded quite sacarstic just now. I didn't regret my move coz I had it with him. It's over. I even called his name. I mentioned Man just now. Hmph. Bye bye Herman. No more calling you Bie from now on. You are the one chose this path. You want to blame someone, blame yourself. This is my story of a young chinese girl ended up the relationship with a malay guy. This may be the ending or maybe part 2 will be coming out. The chinese girl is me. Adios people. I want to go sleep soundly now.

Thursday, March 09, 2006 college

Hi people. Miss me? I so long never write here wor..Never update. Why? Too busy dancing and too busy with assignments. Hahaha. Now at college lor. Got nothing to do. My class is not until 2.30 p.m and it is one of the subjects that I hate. Not to say hate la but dislike it. It is life drawing.
Boo hoo! Next week my temporary boyfriend is going to Kelantan for 4 days! Argh. That's like so long. I wonder how am I going to survive. Well, gonna miss him like crazy that is. And well, still finding chinese guys to tackle me which it is so damn hard. No progress or whatsoever. Sigh. Life is really not fair. Well, I told Wan Long(Dylan) already that I will spend time with them this thursday and friday. Ahahahaha. I mean, next thursday and friday. Lol.
Anyway, well, nothing to write lor. Just that I'm can dance that para para paradise machine with the real steps. I know it is a very old game but to me, it is new. And tomorrow, my temp bf is gonna take me there and I'm gonna dance in front of thousand people. Ok, maybe not thousand but maybe a few people. But they will be watching. I'm actually crazy about this dancing thingie. Ahahahaha. I actually will practice in my house and dance like crazy with all the actual movements. I even downloaded the movies lor. If not, how do you think I will know the actual steps?
Well, okay, I think I better stop here. Class is starting soon and I gotta walk there. Just a few blocks away. It will be fast. Ahahaha. Get ready to die. I really hate this class sometimes. It just freaks me out. I just wish the lecturer doesn't stares at my drawing. That really kills me. Alright, ciao ciao. Bye!!! Sayonara, ADIOS!