Sunday, October 23, 2005

Lol...wake up liao

I woke up liao. And not thanks to his friend...Or his so called mui... Thanks to myself and partly him lor.. Jeremy knows that I don know him this few days. Sorry lor. I realise it. And now I know my mistake. So happy. In my heart, I know how important i am to Jeremy. Now only I understand what he meant just now on the phone. Ahahahaha.
I don't care if the mui mui is reading this. Infact, this is a blog. Everyone can see. But anyway, all I wanna say is that. Now I know what is Jeremy thinking(NOT ALL) coz I won't noe perfectly what will he think. He himself also don't know.
At last, I can think striaght and no more distractions. To me, I know everything right now. And who wants to change me? Let me tell you. Only a person whom I really trust and a person who I know for quite sometime I will listen. Example, my dad, my sister my friends who I know for quite sometime already. So Sherrei, sorry la. No helping from you. Thanks if you wanna help but no thanks. But thanks again. Don't even know what the heck am I saying. Anyway, I know Jeremy can say, care for me. I noe he feels upset about the way I act lately. Ahahahaha. I know. Silly isn't it? But anyway, I know in another hand got a lot of people cares about me. Just I don't realise. I might not be mature and independent like Sherrei but I know I don't want to be like her. I might be weak. But slowly later on I can be like her. Who knows? One day, I might be even stronger than her. It takes time for me to change. And it is all up to me.
My brain is working well now. Ajajaja. Lol. Okay la. I tink, that's it. Finish story. I need friends that's all. I act another different way then Sherrei. That's me. Give me time people! Got to make a survey!

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Okay. Hey guys. Damn lazy la to write the love story BUT, got to. To finish it up and show Jeremy. Don't even knmoe whether is he still reading my blog every single time which he used too. Anyway, I just wrote this... because I don't know. I feel like I haven't updated for a long long time. Just way too bored right now on a saturday and I missed all the saturdays when I'm with Jeremy going out and watch movies and stuff. Sigh, what la. His exam so kacau. Now got 1 love story and was actually thinking to call him go watch but cannot ler. So sad. All my horror movies all got to fly away without me.
Well, I got a feeling and I don't like it.And I'm not thinking negative. Because it is really happening to me. Jeremy don't like to talk to me. I mean, in msn. I mean, since we are not seeing each other, I mean, I still wanna keep in touch ma. I tell him something, he always says "oh","ok","nth","so",XD,"nothing to say" and show emoticons. But to his other friends, he can talk so much. And loves talking to them. I am his bestfriend for pet's sake. Can't he get that in his brain? I mean, am I not important to him? I die than only he will show concern is it? I'm so sick of how he is been treating me lately. I am the one always starting conversations and stuff. Why until now he still don't get how important he is to me? And don't he even know that I just want him to show a little concern towards me? I mean, that's what all even friends do. As a bestfriend, should do more than that. And I never expect much. I just want him to care which I don't think he does. If he does, show me Argh, I'm feeling so tired waiting and trying to get his attention to talk to me but all the time I keep on failing. It is like I'm trying to talk to a superstar but failed. That is the wrong way. I'm his bestfriend and shouldn't be hard. So weird.
No one knows. I'm drifting far far apart. From Jeremy ler that is. I know once he told me I was important to him. But, since when his exam came, he started to show less. I mean, talking to me in msn, is it hard? I mean, nothing to talk about also just talk la. Tell me how is he and tell me about his daily life since he doesn't update his blog ANYMORE! I mean, at least a conversation. I just wish that, he knows. Just know that we are actually like total strangers who are added in msn who don't talk for many years. That's what I'm feeling and I don't want it to go that far.
College life suck. Andrew is mad at me because of GOD knows what. (To tell you the truth, I have no idea why)And well, my life is not going soooooooooo good. Everything is falling apart. Well...that's all I have to say.... And for my love life, I don't know how to describe it so let this song describe it. It's a sad song...for me. It reall describes everything about my love life.
Total Eclipse Of The Heart

(Turn around)
Every now and then, I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round
(Turn around)
Every now and then, I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
(Turn around)
Every now and then, I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
(Turn around)
Every now and then, I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn around, bright eyes)
Every now and then, I fall apart
(Turn around, bright eyes)
Every now and then, I fall apart
(Turn around)
Every now and then, I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild
(Turn around)
Every now and then, I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms
(Turn around)
Every now and then, I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry
(Turn around)
Every now and then, I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn around, bright eyes)
Every now and then, I fall apart
(Turn around, bright eyes)
Every now and then, I fall apart
CHORUS *
And I need you now tonight
and I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight,
we'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'cause we'll never be wrong
together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Once upon a time, I was falling in love
But now, I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time, there was light in my life
But now, there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
INSTRUMENTAL BRIDGE
(Turn around, bright eyes)
(Turn around, bright eyes)
(Turn around)
Every now and then, I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be
(Turn around)
Every now and then, I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am(Turn around)
Every now and then, I know there's no one in the universe as magical and wonderous as you(Turn around)
Every now and then, I know there's nothing any better and there's nothing that I just wouldn't do
(Turn around, bright eyes)
Every now and then, I fall apart
(Turn around, bright eyes)
Every now and then, I fall apart
CHORUS*
And I need you now tonight
and I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight,
we'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right 'cause we'll never be wrong
together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Once upon a time, I was falling in love
But now, I'm only falling apart
Nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time, there was light in my life
But now, there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart
(Turn around, bright eyes)
(Turn around, bright eyes)
(Turn around)

Monday, October 17, 2005

My love life

19 years have past and it is gonna be 20 years. I live in this world for 19 years and nothing good in my love life has ever happened to me. Probably because of my temper, attitude and my looks. Sometimes, I just don't know why I can't get to meet new people and people that I really really want to be with.
Lastime, I like guys very fast in my life. I want to meet people...I really want to meet different people. Different people who I can mix with, laugh, talk, hug, kiss and most importantly, someone who loves me for who I am. I don't care about looks and height. As long he is smarter, caring, knows how to be a boyfriend and loves me for who I am, and of course I need to know him for quite sometime. Is very fast and is the biggest mistake and I never did learn. And now I did after telling Kelvin my feelings. And when something ever happens, I don't want him to not talk to me ever again which he is doing now. I try to hide it but actually, deep down, I really feel painful. No one knows this because people taught that Im over him and really totally no more in my heart left for him. Actually, I don't like him but I really want to be his big sister or his friend. And I mean, really a friend.
I keep on changing boyfriends. Most probably because my boyfriends don't know how to treat me and not paying any attention to me,. Or, they never take me seriously. Sometimes, I just want someone to teman me watch show every saturday night and guess what, it is hard to ask someone out. ALL ALSO NOT FREE. Now, I want a boyfriend so that he can go out with me. I don't mind who fetch. I just want someone I feel comfortable with accompany watch movie or spent time with me on a saturday night. You guys should know by now that saturday is a night life. A day which I can't resist. I need to go out. Maybe is because monday to friday I stay in the house and never go out. It is not so hard to find a boyfriend that I want. My boyfriend, the guy that I really want is not MR. perfect. I don't need him to be perfect.
I don't know whether anyone knows or remembers this. I did said in my previous blog that I'm doing a story for my illustration. The title of the story is fairy tales. It is taken actually from a mandarin video clip. Anyway, I....well, I just wish that my life is like a fairy tales that I can find my MR. right and not to regret anything. Now I'm listening to this mandarin song that is related to the story. I want to cry. Like I said, I'm a very emotional girl. A girl with a fragile heart. Maybe cancers are born that way. I don't know. Anyway, my love life is not going well.
I like someone and I pressume that he is the one. The one for me. But...all of a sudden, I think back. I don't think he will feel the same way as me. Probably he just treats me as a friend like what Kelvin treat me as. I just don't know and tired. Tired to find for the right person and tired to look for a place in this guys hearT.It is not to say that I will give up now. I will not until his exam is over. I don't want to give so much burden in his life right now. I...just wish that...he will find out sooner or later how much he means to me. But...then...if after his exam, he finds another girl, I will....breakdown. Surely I will. I know right now, he is the one. Until he knows or until he breaks my heart, then probably, I will give up on love. I'm really feeling very very sick.
I....um...like him so much....All I know is I can say this. I can't say how much I like him. But I know he is the one. He is the one that I don't want to lose. Even if he ever forgets me. I will still remembers him. Eventhough that he has no feelings towards me, I will have feelings for him no matter and how much I deny it. Okay, I'm going to breakdown now. Don't asked me why. I need to go...Bye.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

I miss my mom

Yeah, she called me just now. And when I heard her voice and talk to her, I wasn't scared anymore on talking to her and stuff. Not like lastime. Eventhough I'm not that close with my mom, basically I just talk to her like she's my normal friend. But then after I put down the phone, I really love my mom if u asked me. I mean, not seeing her for so many years, and then all of a sudden, she calls me back, it is like I don't know. If she knew hiow much I love her if onyl she can be into our lives again.
I have this stupid thought of you know the movie parent trap? Yeah, if only my dad and my mom could like just go back together. But that is not gonna happen. I know. I just wish that my dad and my mom could like go back together. Sigh. I know my dad missed my mom sometimes and I also got a feeling that my mom do miss my dad a little. Sure got la. Since their alreaydy married, of course they sure have some feelings to each other right? Well, tell me I'm right. I Sometimes on mothers day, I really hate seeing my friends all hugging their moms and stuff. I alwys wish that my mom was there.
Well, she asked me about my love life and of course studies but she always got the feeling that I'm doing well. I hope she is doing well too. I didn't really asked her. And I told her about the fought that me and my sis had the other day, And she said she will give a lecture to her. Well, not toooooooo sure is that a good idea or not. But well, someone has to speak out to her and the only person my sister will dare not fight back is my mom. Well, I jknow my mom really really can lecture my sis if she has too. And, my mom always wants me to have a boyfriend. Sigh, well, I wanna take it slow ler mummy. I mean, I told her I liked this guy and I told her the name and where is he from. What college is he in and stuff lor. And she said, good. At least she knows that I've found someone and not so left out. Lol. Well, I know that this guy is the one for me after so long of knowing him. Okay, back to my mom. Yeah, basically, that's about it lor. Aih, I just don't get it ler. I mean, I love her so much and why my family can't be as one? I just one my original mom to be in our lives back. I mean, I know lastime was just a missunderstanding. And do they both even care about our feelings? We seriously wants a mom. Not just anyone, BUT our original mother. Sigh. Well, I really will do anything just to make both my mom and my dad back together. Okay, I think I better pray. God will show me the way.
Okay, bye bye people. Got to go now. I wanna go bathe. Lol. My mom was shocked coz I woke up so late. Buahahaha!! Adios!!~~ ~^-^~

Hopefully can ler...

Well, well. What do you know? Hsuen Lee is back to her New Zealand world and yeah, here am I blogging and normal stuff that I usually do. Oh well, whatever. Well, I might be bitchy a little because apparantly I was like with Hsuen Lee hanging out and stuff and well, she influence me a little with her kind of slang so well, jsut bare with me for a few weeks and I will get my MALAYSIAN slang back. But actually I have to admit that this slang thingie is pretty cool I would say.
Oh, yeah, If you guys are like wondering what in the world am I saying for the title up there. Well, it actually goes on like this. You see, I was planning to watch this horror movie called Saint Ange and I was like begging my lovely bestfriend to watch with me which is a total wacko of horror movies. What I mean wacko is. Wacko as in scardy cat. And like, she don't want to twatch it with me. Well, normally when I watch horror movies I would call the first person is Jeremy but right now, he is having a hard time with his exam and stuff(not to mention mine too) but I have no exams just projects that got datelines on week 15 and yeah, that's about it. I mean, I really really wanna watch this show. I mean, I just wants too. I mean, a saturday night. Go out, hanging out is always my specialty and well, I want to watch horror mopvies. It is like no Jeremy no fun. Because he is just my best partner to watch with me all sort of movies. If only he has no STPM , that would be great.
But, anyway, who am I kidding? I just asked him to watch with me this show and he said he got to see first. I don't know. I just got this feeling that the answer will be a 'no' because of all sorts of reasons. Firstly, parents and all ler. Exams are coming or he has something to do. I just don't know. I feel so down right now. Like what I said in my early previous blog. Just to hang out on a saturday night and watch horror movie is just so hard? I can't believe it. I mean, why can my sister have so much friends that are always free and so supportive in everything she does. Well, I'm not saying that Jeremy and Reney is not. I mean they are, they really are. Jeremy is seriously great. But sometimes, Reney really can dissapoint me. I mean. I alreasdy sacrificed a horror movie show because of her and I can't bare to like sacrifice another. That's why I hope Jeremy can really make it. I mean, if he can't I can totally understand but NOT RENEY! Because she is scared? Hah, so dumb. I mean, IT IS JUST A GOD DAMN SHOW LA! Eish. All of her shows that she is dieing to watch, I will like company watch with her but then all the shows especially horror movies thatI wanna watch, she won't wanna company me even if it dissapoints me badly.
Sometimes I really don't understand why am I like her bestfriend. We have like nothing in common so much anymore. I mean, I was like once like her. Scared of horror movies but I overcome it because why? I watch a lot. And now all the horror movies to me are nothing but a piece of cake unless it is based on true story and also if its something very unusual that Ive never seen before then I will be scared la. But what the heck? It is just a normal show like all the other shows like you watch,. NOT REAL. Get it Reney? I mean, if you are really a christian and believe in God, then pray la. You wouldn't imagine man. Haih. Worst dissapointment ever man. Now only hope is Jeremy. Jeremy please say you can.
As for my love life well. I don't know. Going well? Not going well? I never seen him online this few days. And well miss him like crazy. But I called him just now. Talk to him for awhile lor and asked him lor. Why he didn't come online and stuff. Yeah, as I figured. Maybe there's something wrong with his computer or line. Yeah, line problem. And well, talk quite a bit. And he was so sleepy. Ahahaha. Feel so bad to bother him so much. Anyway, I think I got to pen off soon which is now. Sigh so miss him. Okay la. Ciao guys. Sayonara. Nitey nites.

Love Story Chapter 45

Jamie look at Cal, expression confused on what was he saying. But in another part of her was relief because of what he just had said. She knew that he was trying to bring out the conversation and settle it right now.
Jamie: Um, I...
Then suddenly Cal...
Cal: Shh, don't say it.
Jamie look at him confused again.
Jamie thinking: Don't say it?
Jamie look up again. Was she dreaming or what? Cal's face was becoming nearer and nearer towards her.
Jamie thinking: Is he going to kiss me? No, please don't let it be.
But in another hand, she wants it to happen. Not long after that, she can feel that Cal's lips was pressing against hers already. And she knew that she wants to response it back...but... she pulled away.
Jamie: No. Cal. This is not right.
Cal pulled away from her too. He was studying her.
Cal: Why? You were doing great.
Jamie: It's not that Cal.
Cal: Then what is it? Am I going too fast? Okay, I'm sorry if I'm going too fast...but I can...
Jamie: Cal, that's not it.
Cal: Then what is it? Are you not ready yet because of Johnathan and all?
Jamie: No...it's not that either.
Then Cal move closer to her. He hold her shoulder and turn her face facing him.
Cal: Then tell me...what is it?
Jamie: I'm going to die Cal. I'm not going to live long anymore Cal.
Cal thinking:
Yeah, that's right. I almost forgotten about that part. But it seems that she is doing fine right now make it seems that she's okay. But...the fact is, she is going to die. If really I have a relationship with her and when she's gone, what there's left of me?
Jamie: Cal?
Cal woke up from his stupid dream.
Cal: Yeah?
Jamie: So...I want to ask you one more time and confirm something with you.
Cal: Yeah, what's that?
Jamie: I don't mind being with you and all. I don't mind kissing you, hugging you, being in your arms and...
Cal: Wait a minute here. Jamie, all along, your feelings towards me never change didn't it?
Jamie slowly shook her head.
Cal thinking:I see.
Cal: Do you really really love Johnathan?
Jamie: Yes, I did. But whenever I see you, I start to...
Cal: ...like me back?
Jamie: ......................yeah.
Cal was happy but....he felt guilty for the first time in his life. The girl that he likes the most chose him at the end and normally he will feel proud and happy for himself but this time, he felt, guilty. But Johnathan said there is no point on fixing them back together and Johnathan is willing to give up his relationship if it really makes Jamie feels a lot more better.
Jamie: Cal...
Cal: Hmmm?
Jamie: You don't need to be with me if you don't want too..
Cal: No, Jamie it is not that. I just well...
Jamie: Cal, I don't want to make a burden towards you. So it's okay if you don't want too be...
Then Cal hug her closely...
Cal shout: NO!
Cal: Jamie, I just... I don't know what I'll be without you.
Jamie: I know Cal. I know. But well, we just got to face the fact.
At around 6.00 p.m, Jamie was watching television and she felt that headache again. It was not that painful anymore after she eats her medicine the doctor gave her. Anyway, after the show, she went upstairs to do her homework and study for her history lessons. She went to her bedroom and took out her history book. The moment she just flip over the pages, something flew out from her history book.
Jamie thinking: A photo?
She picked it up. And now she remembered about this photo. It was her and Cal. Taking photo when he was very close with her. She was analyzing it properly. And then, she look closely. There was another guy behind her at that photo. It was...
Jamie thinking: Johnathan?
Then she put down the photo on her desk.
Jamie thinking: Oh my God. Johnathan likes me a long time ago which I don't realise but...
Then she look at the picture again.
Jamie thinking: Well, I was into Cal a lot...and it never change a thing right now. I'm still back to square one. Sigh, since when Cal was into my life, my life was full of drama. I need to talk to Johnathan. It really will hurt if he likes me since lastime till now. But what if it really hurts him now? I can't do anything if he doesn't wants me back. But, the main thing right now is, who do I really like? John or Cal? Argh...
The next day at school, Johnathan was on his way to his locker to put his maths book inside his locker. Then after he close his locker, he turn to his right and then he saw Jamie standing there looking at him.
Jonathan thinking: Oh great. Why does she wants now?
Then he just turn the other way and walk. Jamie catch up with him.
Jamie shout: Wait! Johnathan! Johnathan wait!
Jamie grab his arm. Jonathan swing his arm.
Johnathan: What do you want Jamie? If there's anything, just talk to me...don't touch me.
Jamie: I would if you could just talk to me. Stop avoiding me okay?
Johnathan: Okay, fine. What you want?
Jamie: I...uh..I need to talk to you.
Johnathan: About?
Jamie: My feelings.
Johnathan look at Jamie, one eyebrow up.
Jamie: About my diary.
Johnathan: Oh..no no..You are not going to talk to me about your stupid feelings anymore and make me feel guilty and talk to me about going back with you and...
Jamie: Johnathan, stop. It is not about that.
Johnathan: Then? What else is there to talk about?
Jamie: Actually, nothing. I just want to make sure that...well... what you read in my diary is...
Johnathan: Real?
Jamie:.............................................yea....real.
Johnathan: I know. So that means you were really using me?
Jamie: I wasn't. I promise...I wasn't using you. I was just not totally over him yet. Maybe you shouldn't have purposed to me.
Johnathan: Yeah, you're right. I shouldn't. I was just stupid.
Jamie: No, you're not.
Jonathan: Look Jamie. You came here to find me just to talk to me about your feelings in your diary and tell me that is real?
Jamie: Well, not really. Actually, I came back to ask for a chance. And I wanna know one thing.
Johnathan: Shoot it.
Jamie: I want to know, since when did you have feelings for me?
Johnathan: You seriously wanna know?
Jamie nod her head.
Johnathan: Since when....you and Cal were bestfriends. When he broke up with Melanie and you and him were like sisters and brothers or should I say couples.
Jamie: We were not..........couples.
Johnathan: Well, you guys would make a good couple.
Jamie: And you just.....bare to let it go?
Johnathan: Bare to let go of what?
Jamie: Me. I mean, you like me since so long and you bare to let me go?
Johnathan: There's no point of being together am I right?
Jamie: I mean, how do you know?
Jonathan: Because I know. It is all written so clearly in your diary. I know that you love him. Jamie, tell me right now, that you will never do it again and confirm that this time you and him will never have a chance. And say to me that you will marry me whatever the consecuences you have to make.. You don't care because you only love me. Say it.
Jamie didn't say anything. Instead, she just look down.
Johnathan: I knew it. You love him. You can't bare to leave him Jamie.
Then Johnathan walk away.
Jamie: Johnathan.
Jonathan stop walking.
Jamie: If, this is the last day I'm ever gonna see you, will you regret saying this to me?
Johnathan: Yeah...
Johnathan turn and look at Jamie.
Johnathan:...but seeing the look on your face, shows that this won't be the last day I'll be seeing you.
Then with that he left.
Jamie thinking: He's right. Me and Cal. Together. Back to square one. Oh my God. He is really the one all along. I need to tell him this.
END OF CHAPTER 45
Set By
- Jessica Tan -

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Okay, that's probably it. I don't know what the heck is wrong with this whole world. Now my friendship is having problems. Right now, I know that Jeremy, doesn't really needs me. I fought with his annoying brother. And see, what the hell went wrong? I just wanted to asked him is he angry at me and common, I made a dedication on the RADIO, and he never get the message? Probably his annoying brother canceled that message.
Yeah, I just said something to him which I think it was wrong of me to say that. I said " I don't want to talk to you anymore" and he went offline which I know he probably will do that.If he really wants to apologise, he will already be sending me sms and stuff. I can't believe he can just don't care about the whole thing? I told you already, he won't even believe that I didn't start this whole damn thing. Yeah, the brother calls me a rude gal. So what? I am. I am a rude girl when someone is really pain in da ass like the brother.
Okay, I know what to do and I had it with the small brother. Jeremy is really into the biggest shock of his life. If he wants to blame someone, he should blame the brother. I don't know what will he thinks but Jeremy never did ever believe in everythiNG I said. So even if he reads this blog, there's no point. His brother will win his heart. I don't know. Everything is wrong. And my love life is slowly fading like this relationship. No point to go on also.
What the hell am I going to do right now? I have no idea if you ask me. I'm drowning. It is just so painful after what the brother said to me. I don't feel so good right now.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Awww, so sweet.

Hey guys. I finally received something from Jeremy for my birthday present. After for so long. How long has it been like what 4 months? Anyway, he gave me a necklace. It was such a bummer at first when I didn't see him brought out something big from his house. I thought it was PATRICK(a stuff toy dog) which I always wanted. He told me it was red but I think it is to expensive and don't think he will spend that much just for me. I mean, he would want to spend that type of money for someone very special to him and I mean very very special but then again when he showed what he bought for me, I saw the box and I alreayd guessed it. It is either a necklace or a bracelet.
I didn't want to open it. Hehehehe. I don't like to open presents in front of my friends. Lol. Anyway, I open it up in my house. Lol. And yeah, it was a necklace. And when I showed Reney the next day, she was like....ahahahaha, she likes it so much because it was glittering. And then I wore it to church and Sara and Hsuen Lee was like, "it's so nice" .Lol, but no one know what shape is that. Then I told them it was a ribbon which I don't even know what the shape is after Reney told me. Ahahaha. Anyway, it was so sweet of him to give me that. THANK YOU JEREMY AGAIN!
Another thing is my love life. Suck as always. I just wanna say that...Um, I remembered that guy, which I like and don't show any response yet, he did show some response at last! It was sweet of him. At last he shows that I am important to him. And another thing is, I finally remembered that he asked me to wait for him after his exam. Which I didn't and I went with Dexter. Right now, I will wait. Wait for him until I finish my exam and then go with him. I know that I love him and he is the one. I finally realise that yesterday when I went out with Hsuen Lee and Sara. I know what they told me and what they told me right now made sense. It finally nock me out of my mind right now. I know I have no feelings towards anyone only him. And I like him for quite sometime now which I didn't realise until yesterday. I like him for very long time now. And I didn't realise it. How stupid can I get sometimes? I like him since when I was with Dexter till now which I'm always denying it and always reminding myself that I don't like him and I won't like him. But when I think back now, all the moments we spend together, eventhough all the hardships and all the happy moments, all that was when I really love him. And sometimes he is really pain in the ass, I know that was when I love him too. My feelings for him never change or you can say dies. I will wait until his exam overs and give him support througout all the hardships that he needs to go through. I will never gonna lose this chance and I know that I can't lose him anymore. Now I realise who is the one I really really want. It is him and I know it already. It already comes to the conclusion that he is the one. The true love. Like what Jeremy nicks says. True love waits. And yeah,it is this guy. Now I know that I like him.
But, after his exam, I'm not sure whether he has the same feeling as me or not. I hope that he still remembers that promise both of us make. I just wish that he would do the first move. Okay people, just wish me luck that he will remembers everything and do have the same feelings as me since very very long time. Okay, bye people. CIao!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Sad case. I don't know whether can I do this.

Well, sometimes...I really feeling down. And no one is beside me. Right now, I feel so far away from Reney and Jeremy. Especially Jeremy. And soon, Reney. Well, Jeremy is having his trials and soon, SPM coming and of course scary for him. All I can do right now for him is support him. Reney is not having anything, is just that she changed her work and not going to have off days on a saturday and stuff. And sometimes I really need to rely on her on my assignments. Right now, I can't anymore. And not going to have so much fun.
Today was something that I finally realise that my drawing really really sucks. I see other people's drawing are nice and cute and most of all it's 3D! And then when I asked my frens about their opinion on my work, they are always saying that same old thing which is "okay wat" " Boleh la tu", "Can la, at least it is better than the previous one", or " you need improvement." Okay, I don't mind if people keep on saying the same things to me, but I need help. I really need support. I'm actually drowning in a big sea and no one is there to pull me out. Jeremy is always not free, Reney is not free. This two persons who I really appreciate,respect and love the most are not even there for me. Who else can I go too? My college mates? They don't even give a damn about my feelings. And right now, I really need friends who can give me advice face to face. Calm me down and also pull me out from that dreaded sea. Jennifer. She did that. Just temporary. I need her a lot right now. I'm not blaming Jeremy or Reney or what so ever. It is just that I need them. Especially Jeremy. How long I haven't seen him. And when I asked him to go out with me, I don't even know whether he can go out or not. Always giving me answers that I hate to hear and also I don't even dare to call him out anymore. It is like becoming like that faggot case already. I mean, this is not the way I want our friendship to turn out. Sigh, you know, if only someone can really know what I'm feeling deep down my heart. I just want to shout out now to both of them and tell them, "DO YOU BOTH KNOW, HOW MUCH I NEED YOU GUYS? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WANT YOU ALL NEAR ME? DO YOU BOTH KNOW THAT I WANT YOU ALL SO BADLY THAT I JUST CRY SOMETIMES TO TAKE AWAY THE PRESSURE? SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO HUG AND TOUCH YOU GUYS AND HEAR SOMETHINGS THAT COMES OUT FROM YOUR MOUTH THAT MAKES ME FEEL CALM IS ENOUGH! WHY CAN'T BOTH OF YOU KNOW THAT BOTH OF YOU MEANS A LOT TO ME! Right now, I can't shout. I can't show my emotions. I prefer shohwing it to you all, that I'm shouting like a stupid lady. And tell you guys, that I need both of you right by my left and right side. Eventhough you both always fight but I feel happy. Sigh, I know no matter how much I shout until I lose my voice, you won't fully understand.
Now my illustration which I want to major in nextime is going down and lower and not going up. No improvement. I'm not sure whether got imnprovement or not. But in my mind, I'm alreayd trying my best. But just like what my msn nick says. 'no matter what I do, I'm always the last'. Well, I don't know anything anymore, I'm so blinded. I don't know who can help me. I'm seeking help. Seeking people who can fix my eyes again. I don't know why Dexter is so sad about. Because of love? That's bullshit. I'm even more wrost than him if he don't know. The person I love is not even caring about me. I mean, everything is not right. My work is running away from me. Friends are fading and love life is also fading. Only family which my dad is here with me. Why can't I have something that I can be succesful at? Sigh. I think better stop here. Class starting. Now I'm starving like mad. So hungry. Sigh. Okay la...ciao.

Love Story Chapter 44

Sitting down there hopless. Cal not sure what he should do now. Is this all his fault? And he feels so happy and sad at the same time. Happy because Jamie actually never did forget about him. Sad is because all of this happens because of him. Now, all he need to do right now is to make both of them to be together.
Cal thinking: But how?
Then suddenly, Jamie begin talking...
Jamie: Cal?
Cal look at Jamie. They were in her house at 3.00 p.m and it was raining just after a few minutes when Johnathan left.
Cal: Yes?
Jamie: Do you think that John is back home already?
Cal: I guess.
Jamie: Do you think that he is not soaked?
Cal was looking directly into Jamie's eyes. She looks normal. But...deep down inside, Cal knows that she is trying to hide her emotions.
Cal: I...I think he should be fine.
Jamie: Yeah...
Jamie said softly. She continued...
Jamie: He...he will be fine without me...right?
This time, Cal don't really know what to say...He wanted some answers from Jamie. He wants to know what is actually Jamie feeling. Who does she really really loves? Him or Johnathan? Now when Johnathan left her, it looks and seems that she is gonna die. But when Johnathan was around her, it seems that she is sad that she is not going to see him ever again. He really needed something from Jamie but at this stage and moment, he is not sure whether should he just shut his mouth or not.
Cal: I....guess...so...I mean, Jamie...
Jamie: There's no need for you to answer Cal. I know...I'm in the wrong and I know that you want to know what is Johnathan talking about but whatever I wrote in my diary, that Johnathan has already seen, I don't know what was I writing and seriously...
Then Jamie started crying her whole heart out...
Jamie crying:Right now, I don't wanna lose him Cal! (Sobbing)
After Cal heard that, he knew what Jamie is saying and he knows that whatever Jamie is saying now, she really means it. Cal went closer to her and hug her. Jamie was still crying terribly. And right now, Cal don't wanna do anymore mistakes and it is time to change things. The next day at school, Cal came early. He went to his class sit down, and think again. What should he do today?
Cal thinking: I need to find Johnathan and tell him things. He is just so stupid. He don't even know how much Jamie loves him.
Then all of a sudden, there was someone standing outside his class. Cal look at that someone and was really shock to see Johnathan was standing outside.
Cal thinking: OOOOOoookay. This is something strange.
Cal stand up and wanted to say something when Johnathan shut him off.
Johnathan: Before you say anything, let me say. After I say this, I'm outta here.
Cal: No, I'm sick of you telling me stuff. Now you listen to me.
Johnathan: Hey, listen here tough guy. I already lost my girlfriend and right now I felt as I lost everything. And everything is because of you. And Jamie never did forget about you. Not even a single bit. So since she can't, I'm sugesting that you do something for her. I don't know what it will be. But please, treat her right. That is all I wanna say. And this will be the lastime I will be seeing you and Jamie.
Cal grab his arm.
Cal: Hey, wait a minute here.
Johnathan struggle his hand roughly and Cal's hand was flang away.
Johnathan shout: Don't touch me you bluddy bastard!
Cal shout: Listen!
Johnathan was just looking at him with an angry expression on his face but he was just standing there looking at him.
Cal: You may call me whatever you want. okay, I don't fucking care anymore....But...what I do care is...what Jamie really really wants.
Then Johnathan look up at him. His expression change to be confused a little bit. He was a little calm.
Cal: Jamie...really loves you. I've changed because of her. I rarely even use foul languages already. It is like she changed me to be a good person...Well, sorry because I said it on you just now but if I don't use it, you will continuely shouting here and there. But anyway, all I wanna say here is that...Jamie loves you.
Johnathan: Yeah, yeah..whatever man.
Johnathan walk away...but he stop when Cal...
Cal: She cried terribly yesterday Johnathan and I never heard and ever seen she cried that terrible before.
Johnathan was stun. If Jamie don't love him, why will she even shed a tear? Cal walk closer to Johnathan and stand in front of him.
Cal: I know...I know that you are very angry at me and Jamie rright now. But, you should be angry at me. Only me. Jamie, can't forget about me is because I don't let her. And...I'm sorry about everything I've done. I know I'm pain in the ass. But you see...I really want both of you to get married. I don't want to see my bestfriend broke up with you because of me.
There were silence for while. Cal's head was facing down. Then Johnathan begin talking...
Johnathan: Cal?
Cal look up. Johnathan's face was changed to be more softer.
Johnathan: That was a good speech. But...I'm still not taking back my words.
Cal: But why? Is it because of me? Is it because it is not good....
Johnathan: NO, no. It is not that. Listen...no.It is not that. I just feel that me, I don't deserve to be with her.
Cal: But Johnathan, you did so much for her and everything. You remember when you got punced by Melanie's followers. Not only that, you got slapped.
Johnathan: I know. But that's not as good enough as whatever you are doing right now.
Cal: Huh? I don't get you.
Johnathan: I know you don't. I can see clearly for the first time. Cal, you really really love her but you want her to be happy so you are trying to bring us back together am I right?
Cal: No, Johnathan...It is just...
Johnathan: It's love. Common Cal. Don't lie to me. I know you do and I can assure you that she feels the same way too.
Cal: No, Johnathan, I...
Johnathan: Cal, please. I know what I read in her diary. And even she cried terribly lastnight, the fact is she still loves you. Maybe she just felt guily. Why not you go talk to her first. I know...you are always the one.
That makes Cal can't say anything. With that, Johnathan just walk away.
Cal thinking: He's right. Maybe she just felt guilty. I really got to talk to her.
So after college at 2.00 p.m, Cal went to her house. DING DONG! Jamie open her door.
Jamie: Cal?
Cal: Hi Jamie... Can I come in?
Jamie: Um...sure...
So Jamie open her door wider. She lead Cal inside her living room.
Jamie: Feel free. Sit down.
Cal: Thanks.
Jamie: Is anything wrong?
Cal: No...nothing...Um...I just want to ask you how are you feeling.
Cal thinking: Argh, that's not it. Um, part of it.
Jamie: Oh, um...I'm feeling normal. Thanks for concerning. Is there anything else?
Cal: Nothing actually.
Jamie: Cal, you look like something is bothering you.
Then Jamie sit nearer to Cal. Cal was nervous when she did that. He can smell her hair, and her scent of perfume. She smells so beautiful. He really wanna kiss her right now but he just act normal.
Jamie: Common. Tell me.
Cal thinking: Yeah, tell her Cal. Ok...here goes...
Cal: Jamie, do you like me?
END OF CHAPTER 44
Set By
- Jessica Tan -

Sunday, October 02, 2005

A nightmare man today. Fought with sis. And until like she wanna kill me. Sigh. I really don't know why am I so unlucky to have this type of sister which is like a barbaric. I mean, seriously. Look at the way she is scolding me and look at the way she is treating me and my friends. Hellooooooooooooo, this is not how our guest need to be treated.
And also, my sister is not HUMBLE at all. NOT AT ALL. In final fantasy, there is this monster name weapon and my sister is like that. Looks so scary and crazy at the same time. Sometimes, I really wish I don't want her in the house. I mean, the house is so peaceful without her around. And also, my dad don't need to spent his hard earn money for THAT GIRL. I don't wanna use that word as sister anymore coz I REALLY HATE HER. Well, it's been like a few hours that I already fought with her but in my mind, she's already dead to me and I don't give a bluddy shit and fucking care about her. NO MORE.!Like what I said before. I don't need to care so much about her and like what I said lastime about Chris, is that I don't take back my words. When I say something, I really mean it. This is the worst that me and that girl fought. I have enough of her mental problem issue in my life. And I had it with her. I am through with her. Enough is enough! I really hate her and not going to talk to her anymore unless she talks to me. But not going to share anything with her anymore. I thought I don't mean what I said about not being her sister part because I was angry just now but actually I am totally cool right now but I still feel the same way and I think I already made up my mind. Right now I'm going to change her. And that is by not talking to her and just acting like total stranger. I hate her and that's FINAL. She should asked herself why all her ex-bf's left her. Probably because of her lunatic and her barbaric attitude. Anyway, I don't wanna write so much. It is so obvious that you guys should know how much hatred I have in my heart to her only la. And also sometimes I just wish that my dad could send that girl to mental hospital and go see a phsycatrist(however you spell it) Anyway, she need to do some major check up with her brain man.Serious shit. Sad man, my sister is a mad lady(more to like a mad cow) Just imagine if you were in my shoes.Everyday just get torture from her.
And the most wonderful thing happened is, Reney dyed my hair and she straighten my hair. Sometimes I just love her so much but then she get scolded from that mad cow. Sigh, don't know what to say la. All I know is that I really want her to get married fast and then go somewhere else. Go leave with her husband better. I hate her leaving with me and my dad. TORTURING!!!!! Hate her billion times.. ROAR. Hope GOD can make her realise just how much that she needs to change. And please GOD, change her.